ER Tards
by AcromantulaBitch
Summary: McCoy had a bad day. McCoy/Uhura.


McCoy was dog tired. He been on his feet all day dealing with people's 'emergencies'. Yeah. Because, 'My head hurts.', is totally an emergency and not something you fix with medicine so common you can replicate it in your quarters. Of course not.

He reached the door to his quarters and angrily punched in the code, glaring at and ensign who dared smile at him as she walked by. Most likely she was new.

The door slid open and McCoy stepped inside, looking around and spotting Nyota seated at the desk, reading a padd. She looked up.

"Hey." She was still wearing her uniform, which probably meant that she had just gotten in, Nyota hated to wear her uniform off-duty. He didn't know why, it was just one of her things.

He grunted noncommittally, sitting on the edge of the couch on the other side of the room and pulling off his boots.

She smirked. "Rough day then?" He mock-glared at her.

"You could say that. I guess." Really it had been more annoying than anything else. Nyota got up and sat down next to him. He leaned against her slightly and she leaned back, twisting at bit in order to run a hand through his hair. She did that a lot, attempting to bring some order to it at the end of the day after he's reduced it to a mess that sticks up in all directions by running his hands through it.

"Was it really bad?" She sounded concerned. He snorted.

"Not in the way you're probably thinking. No one died, no one exploded, it was just annoying as hell."

She raised an eyebrow and moved to put her head on his shoulder. "How so?" He wound his arms around her back.

"Well, first there was Riley, who showed up in sick bay first fucking thing in the morning, sick as a dog." Nyota hums to show she's listening. "So I ask Riley, 'Do you have any idea how you got sick?' and he turns to me and says, 'You know what? It might be the chicken I ate.' And then he goes on to explain to me all about how he and his roommate got some non-replicated chicken last shore leave, left it out for a few days, froze it, thawed it out for a couple of days, left it sitting around for a few more days, and then ate it."

Nyota is giggling into his chest. "Oh my god. How does this stuff keep happening?"

McCoy sighs and shifts her so shes not cutting off his arms circulation any more. She does him one better by sliding down to put her head in his lap.

"I have no idea. This entire ship is staffed with crazy and stupid people." She raises an eyebrow again and he rolls his eyes, running one of his hands through her hair.

"Present company excluded of course."

"Of course." She smirks up at him and it makes him want to kiss her nose. He resists the urge. "So what else happened?"

He sighs. "Well, after chicken idiot there was Rand. Who showed up at my office at lunch to tell me that she had leaned over and sneezed, and then her back hurt. I asked her if it still hurt, and she said no, so I told her as nicely as I was able at the time to get her ass out of my office and to at least attempt to use some sense."

Nyota snickered. "I'm sure she appreciated that."

"I don't care if she appreciated it or not, what I do care about is the fact that someone just let her waltz right into my office over a sneeze."

"Where was Chapel?"

He frowned. "She's still on leave."

"Back soon though?"

"God I hope so."

Nyota laughed. "Poor Doctor McCoy, unable to function without his head nurse holding his hand. I told you women were the only ones capable of doing anything right, we just like to let you guys feel good about yourselves."

He rolls his eyes and gives her ponytail a playful tug. "You sure you want to go down that road?"

She sticks her tongue out at him. "Maybe later, after you've finished venting about the stupid people, you're no fun until you've gotten it out of your system."

"Really now?"

"Yes. So, what other medical shenanigans did the children get into today?"

He huffs. "Children, that reminds me, Kirk showed up today right after alpha shift saying that he had stomach pain. I asked him when his last oral intake was and he said, 'About a week ago.' "

"Oh, dear. I think I can see where this is going."

"Hush. So I ask him what the hell was wrong with him not eating for a week, and he sort of looks at me for a minute, before like, the confusion clears off his face and says, and I quote, 'Oh. I thought you meant when was the last time I swallowed. My bad.'"

Nyota puts one hand over her mouth and laughs, "Oh god you should not be telling me this stuff but-" she breaks off.

McCoy laughs too, it's funny now after the fact. But at the time he had wanted to flip over a desk or something equally violent.

He regains himself, sighs and starts to get up, "Yeah you're right I shouldn't be-" but Nyota pushes him back down.

"No. Stay. It'll be fine."

"Sure it will, it's not like I could get fired or anything." But he settles back onto the couch anyway. He trusts her, and honestly, if he didn't have someone to tell this stuff to he would probably go insane. Or kill someone. Probably Jim.

Nyota sits up to pull her hair out of her ponytail and shakes it out behind her. "So did you have any actual emergencies? Or was it pretty much more of the same?"

He frowns and tugs at her arm gently to get her to lay back down so he can play with her hair some more while he talks. "Well, there was Chekov, and that was at least more of an emergency than the others."

"What happened?"

McCoy sighs. "He limps into sickbay towards the end of my day with Sulu helping him-"

"Aww. They are so cute." He glares at her.

"Do you want to tell the story or should I?"

She rolls her eyes at him. "I'm just saying, they are adorable."

"Yeah, well. Apparently they decided to engage in some post-shift shower sex today, and they are also apparently idiots."

"Well we knew that already."

"Nyota." She smiles innocently up at him. "Shut. Up."

No response other than the cheeky smile he chooses to ignore.

"Anyway. I take them back to see what's the matter, and Chekov has a sprained knee and Sulu has minor abrasions on his ass. Sulu goes on to explain that while they were having sex in the shower, and he accidentally brushes up against a razor and cuts himself. He freaks out, drops Chekov and thats how Chekov screwed up his knee."

Nyota snorts, rolling her eyes. "They-" McCoy clamps a hand over her mouth.

"It gets better. I fix Sulu right up, and then move onto Chekov, who needed to be put in a brace and ordered not to engage in any strenuous activity. And as I'm getting them ready to go, Chekov looks up at me and say, 'But Doctor, if I can't mowe my knee, how vill I vrap my legs around Hikaru's head?'" He can't really do the accent, but he figures he gets the point across.

Nyota's eyes go wide. She sits up and turns so she's facing him.

"And I'm looking at Sulu, who looks like he wants to die, and Chekov goes on to say, "Vell, I supose I vill just hawe to sit on his face instead.'"

She bursts into hysterical laughter, holding on hand over her mouth and shaking with it. He cracks up a bit too.

Nyota struggles to regain herself. "Okay. Okay, so-" she breaks off and dissolves into giggles again. He pats her back, smirking. "How did you not crack up when he said that? And, god. Poor Sulu."

"Yeah he was pretty mortified. He didn't even say anything, just dragged Chekov out of the exam room when he started to ask another question."

"And I have to tell you Leonard, you are terrible at accents. Like, never do that in public. Georgian accents and Russian accents should not be mixed."

He glares. "Yeah well we can't be linguists."

"Nor can we all have amazing patience and self control, I suppose. I probably would have had to kill someone." McCoy doesn't say it, but he honestly believes that to be true. Nyota had never been one to tolerate idiocy, and probably would have been brought up on assault charges by now if she had his job. But he would prefer not to be sleeping on the couch tonight, so he doesn't say anything.

Nyota shifts her weight to get some leverage, and then moves over so she's straddling his lap. He moves his hands from behind his head to her back, sliding them down towards her ass slowly.

Nyota smirks at him. "You know what doctor?"

He raises and eyebrow at her. "What?"

"I think I'm having an emergency right now." Somewhere in the back of his mind, McCoy recognizes that this is a really stupid line he will be teasing her about later, but at the moment it seems really hot.

"Well, what's wrong?"

She shifts a bit and makes a sad face. "My thighs hurt."

"When did the pain start?" 

She smirks at him again and leans forward, pressing a small kiss to his neck.

"After I spent an entire night having sex with my boyfriend.."

They don't talk much after that.

**I will never get tired of the kink meme.**


End file.
